It’s been a season of adjusting expectations. That’s code for “Shit!” I had plans for my business this spring & summer: To launch my new website, present 2 workshops, and sign-on a slew of new clients. At one point it was all heading in the right direction, with just the right momentum. I was pumped!
Without going into too much detail, let’s just say that after firing my web designer, postponing one of the workshops and signing-on about 3% of the new clients I had hoped-for, I began to do that “who do you think you are?” dance. There are no choreographed steps for this dance, as it looks different on everyone. Mine tends to resemble that geeky self-conscious middle school dance – you know, the couple rocking slowly back and forth, heads down, no particular rhythm?
In real life this looks like hiding out, because why on earth would I continue to put myself out there? Clearly this work was meant for someone with better credentials, more brainpower, and a bubblier personality. Brené Brown describes hiding-out as one of the ways we armor-up against shame. We stay small to guarantee protection from exposing our vulnerabilities.
Other people do the “I’ll show you” dance, which is when they move against others, and discharge their anger onto loved-ones. It’s a great way to place blame on someone, anyone, as long as it camouflages your own shame.
The third jig is the People Pleaser, where we go above and beyond to accommodate others, in spite of dishonoring our own needs and values. This is one way to make sure we won’t be seen as selfish or unkind, and it almost always ends with feelings of resentment (even though we were completely responsible for getting our selves in the situation).
We expend so much energy to ensure that our disappointments, flaws and failures go unnoticed, even at the risk of hurting those we love. If we took all of this clunky armor and traded it for collaboration, connection or simply asking for help, just imagine the possibilities.
Over time, I hired a lovely new web designer and set a date for the postponed workshop. I joined a women’s entrepreneur forum online to get some extra support, and I practiced self-compassion by taking good care of myself. I’m happy to acknowledge that I don’t have to do all of this alone, and I’m feeling ready for a new dance: Swing, the Cha-cha or a Tango!
Do you recognize yourself in any (or all) of the above scenarios? How do you armor-up to protect yourself from being seen as less-than?
Happy feet!
Joan
Comments
I just love this post – one of my favorite from you!
Thank you for your blog post Joan. I needed to read that today…I identify with everything you shared and regularly employ all of these scenarios for coping. Glad to know I’m not the only one! I love your writing, you are such a talented, inspiring woman!!
@Alissa – I’m so happy to hear that this post found you at the perfect time. I love when that happens!
Hmmm… I know all about the “less than” feelings when it comes to being an entrepreneur. It’s so easy to look at colleagues and think they’re all doing better than me. That’s when I get into trouble; I start comparing and forget that we’re ALL on a journey, and that they were once where I am, and I’m somewhere that someone else wants to be…and the movement is a mish-mash of two steps forward, one step back. How do I protect myself? I practice self-compassion, and I remind myself to trust my journey. As Susan Jeffers says in “Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway!”, “Everything is happening perfectly.”
Thanks for a lovely, transparent, thought-provoking post, Joan. Perfect timing for this message 🙂
Beth – one foot in, one foot out. That’s the hokey pokey, and a very familiar dance for me as well:) The self-compassion piece is key, especially when we find ourselves doing the “compare and despair”. Thank you for your lovely comments.
Joan.. beautifully said… and echoing what was going on in my head! We forget sometimes that our struggles really are universal 🙂
Congrats on your site launch and your work with Brene Brown. She is most certainly a game-changer – the kind of growth and change I embrace.
I look forward to watching your practice evolve and blossom.