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WHAT THE HECK IS “WHOLEHEARTED LIVING”?

You’ve heard me toss around the phrase Wholehearted Living for a while now. It sounds good, but what on earth does it mean? It’s a term we use in The Daring Way™ to describe someone who lives from a place of worthiness, and truly believes they’re deserving of love, respect, compassion, abundance and joy. Deserving is the key word here, and it’s not as simple as you think.

You take good care of yourself, right? You eat healthy, enjoy your work, take care of your body, volunteer, enjoy family time, etc. Doesn’t that mean you’re living wholeheartedly?

How often, while you’re engaged in these activities are you also tossing these messages around in your head: I should eat healthier. I should workout harder. I should get home earlier, or stay at work longer. Bigger, better, thinner, smarter, more, should, have-to;  this is the language of scarcity. No matter what you do, or who you are, it’s just not enough.

If you’re saying to yourself right now “that’s not me”, I beg to differ. You could be right-on if you grew up in a home with perfect parents, empowering educators, supervisors & co-workers who wanted only the best for you, friends who loved you unconditionally, and you never suffered from a broken heart. Let’s be real. At some point in your life you have been touched by pain and have had to learn how to cope. Most of us struggle with one or two of the categories I mentioned (work, parenting, body image, relationships, etc.), but with a history of abuse or addiction in your family of origin, there’s a good chance “I am enough” seems like an impossible message to conjure.

With all of the baggage we carry from our past, how on earth do we live wholeheartedly? Here’s the good news: It can be learned, AND it takes practice. Lots of practice. It’s hard work, it can be messy and painful but oh so worth it, because here’s a taste of what’s waiting for you on the other side – Creativity. Love & Relationship. Courage. Worthiness. Joy and Passion. Brené Brown has created 10 Guideposts For Wholehearted Living which you can read about in the books I mention below. In addition, I will be addressing each of the Guideposts in a series of up-coming blog posts throughout the summer, so stay tuned!  Meanwhile, here are a few ideas to get you started:

  • Start a gratitude journal to begin taking stock in all of the beautiful abundance you have right now.

For local Boston-area folks I’m offering an 8-session Daring Way™ series beginning in September. This is your opportunity to learn and practice specific skills that will put you on the path toward wholehearted living. Follow this LINK for registration and more information. So, what are your thoughts about wholehearted living?  Please share – I love receiving your comments!

From my whole heart,

Joan

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The Truth About Gossip

No one likes a good story more than me. I made a career of my fascination with human behavior, relationships and all things psyche. I was curious and labeled “nosey” when I was growing up, so I learned to ask fewer questions and keep quiet with my theories on why people do and say the things they do. Still, I became the entrusted confidant. Go figure.

As I became more comfortable in my own skin, I learned to embrace my curiosity. At Hampshire College, where the foundation of their pedagogy is built on mode of inquiry, I was finally free to ask as many questions as I wanted (except from my housemates, who still thought I was nosey). Damn. Here’s the truth – I was never a mean-spirited person. Curiosity, fascination and genuine concern are not the same as gossip. I tell this story because it illustrates an important distinction.

You’ve probably heard this theory: “People gossip about others to make them feel better about themselves.” What does that really mean? Gossip is a way of turning the focus away from our own pain and better yet, away from the possibility that we’ll be found out as having pain, flaws and foibles. When we derive some level of pleasure from discussing the misfortunes of others, or when we grab the bag of chips and US Magazine to numb-out our own issues, it has little to do with “them”.

Look at the tabloids and our culture’s focus on celebrity misfortune: divorce, weight gain, addiction, rehab, financial disaster, etc. We are a culture that is overweight, in-debt and dependent on pills. Isn’t it easier to shame a public figure than take a good hard look at our own lives? The media knows we love Oprah’s struggle with weight and Lindsay Lohan’s drinking binges. Why? Because we see our selves in their struggles. It doesn’t even matter if the information is true; we want to connect with their stories and we want to know that we’re not alone. The media sells magazines by appealing to our feelings of shame around these very same issues. We have strong reaction (good & bad) to someone else’s struggle when there is something resonant about their story. We want to know more.

Of course, tabloids are an extreme and generalized example. To bring it closer to home, imagine hearing about the success of someone in an area with which you are struggling: your best friend is engaged and you’ve just broken up with your boyfriend, a less qualified colleague was promoted, everyone around you is pregnant and you’re having trouble conceiving… That niggley, icky feeling or the underlining wish for their failure really has nothing to do with them, does it? Oh, and by the way, we’ve ALL had those thoughts (along with the satisfaction of finding People Magazine at the hairdresser or doctor’s office).

I haven’t even touched on the pain that gossip causes another. In my eyes, it’s really just the grown-up version of bullying. I have a challenge for you: The next time you find yourself getting a slight charge from hearing of someone else’s misfortune, take a look and acknowledge if that’s an area in your own life that needs attention. Then look deeper.

What’s been your experience with gossip?

I’m curious,

Joan

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There’s a movement brewing…

and I’m itchy to share the news!

It’s been a busy winter and early spring for my practice. Since Brené Brown was featured on Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday and taught her online classes, interest in The Daring Way™ has exploded.

I’ve been running workshops and webinars for professionals, and working one-on-one with individuals who have specifically requested to focus their coaching on the tenets of the Daring Way™: creating deeper connections, practicing vulnerability, self compassion and taking courageous risks in their work and personal lives. Men and women are calling because they’ve gotten a taste of Brené’s message from her books and Ted Talks. They no longer want to live based on the shoulds and shaming that is part of our culture. They want to feel alive and authentic and stop believing the messages of scarcity that say “I’m not smart enough, attractive enough, thin enough, successful enough, witty enough, etc”.

Never before have I been so aligned with my work. My own personal growth from this material has made a tremendous impact on my family and my relationships with friends and colleagues. I’ve also had the honor of becoming a Consultant for The Daring Way™, mentoring other coaches and therapists seeking certification. I love working with practitioners throughout the country who are as passionate about this work as I am.

If you’re curious about The Daring Way™, browse my website to learn more and check out the Events page for upcoming groups. I do believe there’s a movement brewing, and I’m thrilled to be crusading on its behalf.

March on!
joan

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Spring Events @ Full Circle

I’m really excited to announce 3 up-coming workshops I’ll be offering in the next couple of months!

The first one begins on March 31 for professionals: The Daring Way™ Webinar for Therapists, Coaches, Clergy, Nurses & Doctors. This  8 session series will be held on Monday mornings from 10AM – 12PM (EST). The Daring Way™ curriculum is a highly experiential methodology that focuses on the development of shame resilience skills.  From the comfort of your own home or office, discover how to let go of perfectionism and comparison, and show-up more courageously in your work and relationships. View more details.

The second workshop is a 1.5-Day Daring Way™ Workshop For Women to be held in South Salem, NY on April 4-5. Do you struggle with “compare & despair” in areas such as parenting? Body image? Career? You are not alone!  Join a small group of women to develop practices that will enable you to live with more courage and authenticity. View more details.

Finally, I will be co-facilitating a wonderful day-long event with 2 of my friends (and colleagues).  Eating Psychology Coach, Kathy Elkind and Mindfulness Coach, Debra Hickok will team up with me to present Everyday Mindfulness For Women: tools for practicing presence, self-acceptance & compassion. We combine our years of coaching experience to offer you new perspectives and techniques for staying present and engaged throughout your day-to-day life. View more details.

I hope you’ll welcome springtime with one of these amazing experiences!

Warmly, Joan

FOR MORE DETAILS & REGISTRATION PLEASE VISIT THE EVENTS PAGE.

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GOOD, NOT BETTER

I’m not sure who coined the phrase “be the better person”, but I’m definitely not a member of that club. I’m a good person, a kind person, but not the better person. Let me explain…

Last week I was confronted with the choice between honoring a commitment I had made and taking care of my emotional needs. I’m not talking about picking up groceries for a friend or giving someone a ride. I had made a 3-day commitment to help out a friend. Leading up to the event an unresolved issue occurred between us and considering the circumstances, it became apparent that I would be unable to follow through. Me, not follow through on a commitment? That was a tough one. Years ago I would have taken a deep breath and carried-on. Back then it was more important for me to be thought of as nice, helpful, unselfish;  to be liked and most importantly not to make any waves. I was a good girl.

The 10 Guideposts for Wholehearted Living, featured in Brené Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection address these very types of dilemmas.  They are reminders to follow our inner compasses for the purpose of living from a place of authenticity, empathy toward others and self-compassion. They are reminders to let go of people pleasing and to base our self-worth from within, rather than from the approval of others.

Guidepost # 1. was staring me right in the face: Letting Go of What People Think, by Embracing Authenticity.

A few loved-ones offered me their advice: “Joanie, be the better person. Stick to your commitment and in the end you’ll feel happy that you did.” I thought long and hard about this. Be the better person… better than whom? Better than the person who speaks their truth? Better than the person who approaches their relationships with honesty? Better than the one who can say “I’m sorry, I messed-up”? Speaking the truth means being a good person… good to me and honest with others. My decision was made.

If being the better person means sucking it up, soldiering through or “doing the right thing”, I’d rather stick to being a good person. In my experience, being the better person goes hand in hand with compromising values & integrity or pleasing to avoid conflict. In addition, the word “better” implies that my ego is hovering somewhere above the other person, and that’s not a place I like to hangout.

I’ve learned that I’m not actually in service to someone if I haven’t taken care of my own needs. If I ignore them (my needs) and pretend everything is fine, not only am I being dishonest to the other person, I am also dishonoring the relationship. By no means does this revelation imply that I’m still not tempted to concede, nor does it imply that I don’t get tremendous pleasure from helping others.  But with practice I’ve learned to slow down and breathe into my truth. Speaking up for myself may come at the risk of disappointing or angering someone and maybe even ending a relationship. If vulnerability and trust are not already a component of the relationship, perhaps its time for me to re-evaluate how it’s serving me.

We’re always in choice when we’re faced with a dilemma: The choice to make a decision based on fear (I’ll be disliked, I’ll lose my friend, s/he will think I’m selfish), or the choice to make a decision based on love (honesty will bring closer connection, I’ll practice self-compassion, I trust my friend will understand).

What does “be the better person” mean to you? I REALLY want to know.

Joan Shulman,
Good Person

POST SCRIPT:  Just for  clarification,  I am not implying that we shouldn’t strive to be “better people” in general.  Lord knows we could all do more of that!  I am referring to a specific situation that typically invites the phrase: “Be THE better person”.

 

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Gurus And Other Experts

The terms “expert” and “guru” have become buzzwords in the marketing world. Often used to distinguish one practitioner from the masses, many gifted and heart-felt professionals use these terms to capture their vast knowledge and experience.  I have to say it does make the hair stand up on the back of my neck, and the guru-thing is just waaay too worshippy for me.  I’m sensitive to language, though I do question my very visceral resistance, which could be another topic all together.

On the flip side, I would hire “Phil’s Expert Plumbing” because:

A.  I don’t need or want to know the details of a plumbing repair; I just want it fixed.

B.  I get a sense of pride and confidence from a tradesperson who refers to him/herself as an expert.

C.  I’m a sucker for a great advertising slogan.

However, if I’m looking for a web designer, a therapist or even a doctor, I want to know they’re passionate about their work; they come with years of experience and the ability to guide me. I also want someone who’s open, who listens, and who doesn’t proclaim to have all of the answers, who can lose the ego and say “let me get back to you on that”.  I want someone who will take their expertise and tailor it to my needs.

My dear friend, mindfulness coach Debra Hickok and I chatted recently about the bevy of new experts in everything from shopping to spirituality.  I mentioned that for me, the term creates disconnection.  Debra described a common phrase in the mindfulness world called the Beginner’s Mind, which refers to an awareness that reserves judgment and assumptions, and sees the world through the lens of a learner. Who knew? I loved that notion and went on to dig around a bit further.

I learned that Beginners Mind or Shoshin, is actually a Zen Buddhist practice going back many hundreds of years.  More recently, in Shunyru Suzuki’s book Zen Mind: Beginner’s Mind, he writes: “In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s there are few”.

Author and teacher Jack Kornfield calls it the “Don’t Know Mind”.  He regards this state as a method for embracing uncertainty or conflict in everyday life.  Rather than wrestle with what-ifs or create a story based on assumptions, Kornfield advocates for the simplicity of sitting with what we don’t know.  Easier said than done, but this is why it’s called a practice.

I understand the challenge of trying to describe yourself and the work you do succinctly, but for me, those terms say very little about who you are.  I want to know about your perspective, how you approach what you do, why you do it and whom you serve.  As a coach, some of my deepest learning comes from my clients.  In their quest for clarity, I’m right beside them.  They are the experts in their own lives.  I am simply the guide.

Now, where is that dishwashing guru when you need one?

Wishing you the happiest of New Years!

Joan